| - MtMM's Advice Column - Get it From Marti! | |||||||
| Need some advice? Go ahead ask me anything. I've been around the Northwoods enough to know what ailes ya.
Ask Marti: advice@martitheminimoose.com |
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Marti, It was nice to hear from you, and you're entirely welcome for the party. Speaking for myself, I've enjoyed having you here to lift us out of the winter doldrems. Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt once said in a letter to Marcus Alonso Hanna, "I am strong as a bull moose and you can use me to the limit."? I really don't know what that means bacause I don't know the context. Moving right along, sometimes it's nice to use a quote (politicians do it all the time and don't we all want to be more like them!) and I had one I could pass on to you if people seem to pooh-pooh the whole Marti thing:"To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short." That quote comes from Confucius. Time to get back to work; I don't think I'll need Marti's help this afternoon. I hope you're enjoying lunch. Proofreader in
Dear Proofreader, You DO need my help, check the line after your comment on TR. And what about the spacing later on? See? See? - MtMM Monday, January 17, 2005 Dear Marti A couple of friends of mine are actually EATING moose this weekend. I gotta ask...............Would Moose eat humans?? Vegetarian Vermonter. Dear Vege, Tried um. Didn’t like um. - MtMM
Dear Marti, I was wondering if you have any relatives from around here? If the mini moose really exist then why are you the only one? You must have family somewhere-but where and why have you not mentioned them? Just curious,
Dear Just Curious, I never said I was the only one. Are you making things up? - MtMM Dear Marti, I'm confused! How can you continue your advice column if you are still here in
confused in Lunenburg
Dear Confused, Exactly. - MtMM
Dear Marti, I have a big question. Sometimes I’m embarrassed about being so small. Is there a way to get big and stay big? Dear Seven, What’s the real problem? - MtMM Dear Marti, We are about to see our President again take the oath of office. Since he violated his first oath to keep us safe and has cost us billions of dollars how can I support him? His “war” has cost $300 billion and we have an additional $521 billion in deficit spending for fiscal 2004 alone. With 62 million voting for him and 57 million not, I realize we are equally divided, but it doesn’t seem so and I don’t want to take anymore from them. Any ideas? A Red Stater Dear Red, Well, it seems obvious to me, just make those that voted for him pay for his policies. That would mean each would contribute an additional $13,745.38 on the tax bills in April. If that doesn’t work there’s a lot of land up north of the border. - MtMM Dear Marti, Recently I was away on business for almost 5 weeks, and I met some really nice people. Now that I’m back, I find it very hard whenever I think about them.
Dear Lonely, Go Look for Moose!!! - MtMM Dear Marti, My father seems to have a preoccupation with inanimate objects and likes to pretend they are real? What’s your take on this weirdness? Concerned College Girl in
Is anything really inanimate? After all there is a movie about Santa’s bells out there now, not a bad movie either, but I digress. I know you can still hear the bells ring and they are inanimate, yet you believe in them, after all if you didn’t - why ask for all that stuff at Christmas? So leave your Dad alone, he’s probably having fun. Otherwise get him help. -MtMM Tuesday, January 11, 2005 Hey Marti! Just a quick question. Do you have any relatives in
Let us know!! Kristi in
Dear Kristi, I know mini-bison. Many mini-bison are friends of mine. However, dear, never confuse a mini-bison with a mini-moose. It is offensive to us both. Afterall mini-moose are cute. - MtMM Dear Marti, I am a 25 yr old from
Thank you, Moose Luver in NH My Dear Mini-Moose Luver, Once you go mini-moose you can never go back - MtMM Dear Marti, I work out all the time but find myself getting thirsty even though I drink a lot of water. Any ideas how to combat this problem? Parched in Poughkeepsi Dear Parched, Have another round. -MtMM Dear Marti, I think I might have a problem. A drinking problem. You see, when I go to bars and order a drink one round turns into three or four. And then I start dancing on tables and goodness knows what else. Can you teach me how to behave in bars? Dear Marti, I have a question that’s been nagging me for years. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound? Dear Marti, There is an upcoming office party. I am wondering if dancing on the table is an acceptable thing and will it lead to greater promotions? Daphne in
Dear Daph, It will all depend on how good a dance you do. - MtMM Dear Marti, My parents just bought a new pickup which I occasionally drive to school. The other day someone backed into the truck while parked. How do I break this to my parents and still get to drive the truck? Frightened in
Dear Frightened, Have you ever lived in the woods? It might be easier than getting to drive again. - MtMM Dear Marti, I recently had an experience where nurses had to shave my chest. Since you have great chest hair do you have any advice on how to grow it back quickly so I don’t have to explain it to my wife? Parched in Poughkeepsi Dear Parched, I would use lots of styling moose and comb it over so she doesn’t notice. Also work on a better story. - MtMM Dear Marti, I keep slipping on the ice when I walk in the woods. I wish I had better traction. Sliding in the Sugar Bush Dear Sliding, Exactly. - MtMM Wednesday, January 5, 2005 Dear Marti, With all of the mudslinging in politics and the media I am confused about who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. Can you help me decide? Confused in
Dear Confused, I can clear this up for you for it is very easy. Mr. Bush has no regard for my habitat and likes to kill folks in his way. Mr. Kerry, on the other hand, looks kind of like me, so he gets my vote! – MtMM Dear Marti, My friends still make fun of me because I still believe in Santa Claus. I’m starting to think they might be right but I am afraid I won’t get presents next Christmas if I stop believing. What should I do?
Dear Bobby, I know Santa Claus. Santa Claus is a friend of mine. You are no Santa Claus, but if you believe in him you will still get presents. Otherwise you will have to rely on your wretched parents. - MtMM Dear Marti, I am having trouble with my kids adjusting to their new school. They said the kids here are "rougher" than what they are used to. They feel like they don't fit in and friendship is not coming along very easily. They hate going to this school! What should I do? I need your help Marti. Please advise. Sincerely, Desperate Mom from Barton Dear Desperate, Tell your kids to go to the woods and find some moose antlers and take them to school. After all, we all know if you walk softly and carry a big antler you are the baddest dude in school. They will have no more problems. - MtMM Dear Marti, I just moved to
A Loyal Cubs Fan Dear Loyal, While the Sox have done great trades this off season, and the Cubs seem to want to unload Slammin Sammy I would stay with the Cubs since you moved to
- MtMM Dear Marti, Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Just Wondering in
Dear Wondering, My personal preference is fur. - MtMM Dear Marti, As part of my New Years resolutions I have been at the health club a lot lately. I am sometimes intimidated by what I see there. Do you think size really matters? Trying to fit in in
Dear Fit, I have a 10 pointer. - MtMM Dear Marti, Can you suggest what I should have for dinner tonight? Hungry in
Dear Hungry, Elk. - MtMM Dear Marti, I am a small business owner and have an out of town client with a project that was supposed to last 3 weeks, but ended up taking 5. And then they wouldn’t leave because they like it so much here. How do I get rid of them? Please advise. President in
Dear Pres in ME, Guarantee they will see a moose if they go to a very remote area at dusk. Then change the locks or move your business quickly. - MtMM |
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